and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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