If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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