New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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