I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
