My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
