When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
