Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
you would pick up someone in the library
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
