I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
