I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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