Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
