dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
