He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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