It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I am spending my child support on dildos
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
they're like a gay fantastic four
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
