I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
