My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
