Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
