Someone shit on the floor
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
