I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
