I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
