You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
