I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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