if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
did you just send me my own nude
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
