I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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