ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Randomize
