i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
