So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
