nut hugger
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
