girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he fucked my hip out of place.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
