I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
