Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
