Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
