When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
