It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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