He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
