I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
