mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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