He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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