someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
