I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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