It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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