Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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