I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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