everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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