Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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