I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
