She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
