theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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