He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
