You can't motorboat a personality
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
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i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
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I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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