I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
