His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
