I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
