Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
We were destined to go to rehab together
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.