true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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