Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
