I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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