I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
