So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
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He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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