By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
