If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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