I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
lets start a swedish sibling band together
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
